Giving Thanks...

. . . for FOUR pounds lost this week! That's actually a combination of a fluke gain last week and the loss this week. Last week the scale showed a gain of 1.8, which I just knew was not right. I had a bigger meal on Thursday night because we went to a party, and I'm sure it was just water retention from the salt in all the barbecued pork I ate! Either way, I don't really care, because I was down FOUR pounds this week and I'm just ecstatic!

I'm also giving thanks today for all those people who support me in this journey. First and foremost is Ben--my husband and best friend. He's so helpful and supportive of me. I know I can always tell him what I'm struggling with and he'll help me out. If I say I don't feel like working out, he'll encourage me to just walk on the treadmill... "It'll make you feel better, " he'll say. He stays on top of my weekly weigh-ins even from halfway around the world when he's deployed. He always knows when my meeting is and makes sure to call me and ask how it went. If I'm having a hard time he reminds me how far I've come and how capable I am of moving forward. I love him so much and I'm so grateful for him.

I'm thankful for my supportive friends . . . My friend Dayna had us over for Thanksgiving dinner and she made sure that there were vegetable trays and lots of good food choices. She accommodated me in every way--held the baby so I could eat and enjoy adult conversation--made sure that her older kids entertained my younger ones--just basically made what was a very hard day for me so much easier.

For my leader, Nancy. She has this incredible talent of making everyone in the room feel like they're the most important person there. She's wonderful and entertaining and she keeps me coming back week after week. She is real and genuine and knowing that someone who cares is waiting by the scale every week is a huge motivator.

For my mom and mother-in-law who call for weekly updates and congratulate my success.

For my friends who comment regularly on the blog . . . Thank you so much. It means so much to know that there are others who understand, who have felt the way I do (good and bad!) and who care enough to read my rantings and ravings about the weight-loss battle. I appreciate you and you give me strength! I love you all.

So much to be thankful for!

The Biggest Loser--I can't believe they didn't vote out Vicky!!

I don't know if any of my readers actually watch The Biggest Loser, but I love it! I don't really care for any of the drama, but I love to see the last five minutes when they show the before and afters.

Anyway, this season, the drama has gotten out of control and this one woman, Vicky, is turning out to be really mean and awful! I just CANNOT believe that when they had the opportunity to vote her out last night THEY DIDN'T DO IT! It all came down to Amy's decision (and this is the person Vicky had been railing on all week long because she caused the elimination of Vicky's husband) and she voted Coleen out instead!! I WAS SO MAD!

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. If this Vicky person wins, the show will be ruined forever for me!

Great Breakfast Idea

Okay, this sounded gross to me at first, but I tried it anyway, and it's really good!

Try cottage cheese with sliced bananas and sugar-free or light syrup. It's really tasty! Not only that, but it's also quick and easy to prepare. In fact, it's quickly becoming my six-year-old's favorite breakfast (after toaster waffles, of course). He can stay in bed a few minutes longer when he opts for this breakfast.

I got the idea out of the Eating For Life book by Bill Phillips--the same guy who wrote Body for Life. It's a great way to get a milk serving with protein and a fruit! You hit three of the Good Health Guidelines in one meal--yay!

I beat the chocolate!

My weigh-in on Friday went VERY well! I knew I would have a loss because I had a good week, but I didn't expect 2.8 lbs! It was awesome! I got clapped for again and I got another 5-lb star to put on my bookmark. Ever since I got rid of the Halloween chocolate things have gone pretty well. Hopefully someday I'll learn to deal with candy and chocolate, but for right now I think my best course is to just stay away from it.

Now I'm gearing up for the holidays, starting with Thanksgiving. I love the holiday season and all the good feelings that come with it, but without fail, every year, I end up feeling terrible--fat and bloated-- and I gain several pounds. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT THIS YEAR!! I'm not sure what my plan of attack is yet, but I'm working on it.

I think Thanksgiving will be easier than usual for several reasons this year.

1) Ben's not here, so there's less to celebrate.

2) I won't be cooking.

3) Since I'm not cooking there won't be any leftover pie or heavy casseroles to eat up my points.

4) Thanksgiving is on Thursday. That's the day before my weigh-in so I'm always more aware of how I eat that day. I don't want to ruin the whole week for just one meal.

5) I have come so far, I'm not willing to lose my momentum now--holidays or not. I'm determined to enjoy the day and the meal and to stay on plan.

Stress + Chocolate = More Stress

Geez. What a day. It starts out fine, I am feeling good, determined to have a healthy eating day--fasting, in fact, hoping for some needed spiritual strength. Church is nice. A friend of mine holds the baby most of the first hour and that is really wonderful. The rest of church is spent out in the hallway with Sammy, but at least the kids get to go to their classes. (Someday I will enjoy church again.)

Anyway, after church things quickly unravel. I break my fast with about ten snack size chocolate bars--really smart, I know, but in the moment I wasn't worrying about being smart. Then we have dinner. During dinner, my mother-in-law calls and as we chat, Carli dumps over her glass of milk and while I get the cloth to wipe it up, she and Eli decide to paint with it. They both put their hands in it and wipe it all over the counter. Well, I lose it. Start yelling, crying, being utterly ridiculous. I slam down the phone, hanging up on Jane, pleading with the kids to please give me a break. They both start crying, Carli telling me I scare her, Eli asking me why I yell so loud. Man. What am I turning into? I'm mad at myself for overreacting, so I wolf down some more chocolate.

Then Ben calls and I let him have it. I am in the throes of a major pity party and I can't seem to break out of it. I just really don't like this crying, complaining, self-pitying version of myself. Why do other women seem so put together when I feel like I'm always a step away from completely falling apart?

I think I have the answer: Stress + Chocolate. This combination does nothing for me. I eat the chocolate (lots of chocolate), I feel guilty and depressed, I take out my frustration on people around me (the kids this time), and then I feel guilty and depressed. It's a vicious circle.

After the milk incident, I get a hold of myself and we play Chutes-n-Ladders and Tag You're It. I figure I've already ruined this day eating-wise, so I just grab the whole bowl of candy and have at it (that makes so much sense, I know!). At seven I put Sammy in bed and get on the phone for a conference call with my family. At eight, I end the call and take Eli and Carli up for bed--it's then I realize why Carli was so well occupied when I was on the phone. She discovered a brand new tube of concealer in my room and decorated her bedroom carpet and bedspread with it. I am stunned. Furious. I'm not sure what to do, but I handle it about as terribly as possible. I yell. I rail. I spank. Poor Carli cries her eyes out and when I go back up to her room to reassure her that I'm not mad anymore and that I still love her, she is all curled up, fast asleep and the blanket around her chin is soaked through with her tears. I hold her and tell her how much I love her even though she is sleeping soundly.

Motherhood is rife with regret, and this has been one of those regretful days. It's a good thing, as Miss Stacey says in Anne of Avonlea, that "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it." I really need a clean slate.

Tomorrow morning the chocolate leaves the house! My goal for the day is to just calm down. None of these things are really that big of a deal. I'm overreacting like crazy and I've got to stop. In twenty years I won't care if there is still a concealer stain on the carpet, but I will care how my kids remember I treated them. That is more important than anything.

Oh Halloween...how I detest thee.

No, that's not true, I don't detest Halloween. In fact, I love Halloween! I remember going trick-or-treating as a kid and just loving the feel of all that heavy candy in my bag! And knowing that it was all MINE! I have always been a quantity person and being able to gorge myself on candy and sweets was very comforting to me--and still is at times. Unfortunately, gorging yourself on candy isn't the healthiest way to comfort yourself. I'm still not sure what exactly I was looking for, but I sure didn't find it in that bag of candy.

When my kids came in last night and we surveyed the damage I couldn't believe the amount of candy on the counter. We separated all the different types of candy (you know, the good stuff in one pile and the okay stuff in another). There were at least FIVE pounds of chocolate bars--Twix, Reese's, Milky Way, M&M's, etc. Unbelievable! My kids are only 6 and 3 years old--what are they ever going to do with that amount of candy?

I had been pumping myself up all day, telling myself that I would have a few favorites and leave it at that. But after a stressful night of trying to get costumes right, holding Sammy every minute because he would not stop crying, running from the church party to the neighborhood trick-or-treat and missing dinner myself, I just lost it. Before I even knew what had happened, I was opening snack size bars and downing them like a contestant on Survivor!

I finally regained control, put the candy away and got the kids in bed. I called a babysitter and arranged to go to the step class on base to make up for some of the damage.

The step class was great this morning, but as soon as I stepped foot back in the house, I was acutely aware of the five pounds of chocolate bars sitting on top of the fridge. I had some babysitting courtesy of the Air Force this afternoon, so I took that time to get a manicure and clean the house. After cleaning, I was alone in the house and missing Ben so much that it hurt. Darn the military for taking him away from me for months at a time--without the ability to call or talk to him when I need him. So, what did I do? I grabbed the chocolate and downed I-don't- even-know-how-many-points in chocolate. Yeah, that was smart.

Things that I have learned today:

1. Halloween is fun, but the stress of the candy isn't. It's leaving the house tomorrow.
   
2. Fitting in an extra workout makes you feel better after you over-indulge.
3. Chocolate doesn't make me miss Ben any less.

THREE POUNDS!!

I JUST HAVE TO DO THIS POST ALL IN CAPS-- I LOST THREE POUNDS THIS WEEK! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THAT'S MY SECOND HIGHEST LOSS EVER--EVER!!

Okay, I'll stop yelling now--but I am still quite excited! I worked hard for that loss, and I was so happy to see it come off. I really feel like my body has changed the past couple of weeks. I'm starting to see some tone in my arms--finally the strength training is paying off! And I've lost inches all over. It's nice to be slowly moving back into clothes I haven't worn in more than a year. I passed my pre-baby weight about 9 pounds ago, so that's a big milestone--and now I'm heading towards my goal.

I'm proud of myself for not giving up. This journey is teaching me so many things--not the least of which is endurance. I have been imagining how it will feel to be thin and healthy for so many years, I can't wait to actually experience it for real. I'll get there, one pound at a time (or THREE if I can have another week like this one!).