Geez. What a day. It starts out fine, I am feeling good, determined to have a healthy eating day--fasting, in fact, hoping for some needed spiritual strength. Church is nice. A friend of mine holds the baby most of the first hour and that is really wonderful. The rest of church is spent out in the hallway with Sammy, but at least the kids get to go to their classes. (Someday I will enjoy church again.)Anyway, after church things quickly unravel. I break my fast with about ten snack size chocolate bars--really smart, I know, but in the moment I wasn't worrying about being smart. Then we have dinner. During dinner, my mother-in-law calls and as we chat, Carli dumps over her glass of milk and while I get the cloth to wipe it up, she and Eli decide to paint with it. They both put their hands in it and wipe it all over the counter. Well, I lose it. Start yelling, crying, being utterly ridiculous. I slam down the phone, hanging up on Jane, pleading with the kids to please give me a break. They both start crying, Carli telling me I scare her, Eli asking me why I yell so loud. Man. What am I turning into? I'm mad at myself for overreacting, so I wolf down some more chocolate.
Then Ben calls and I let him have it. I am in the throes of a major pity party and I can't seem to break out of it. I just really don't like this crying, complaining, self-pitying version of myself. Why do other women seem so put together when I feel like I'm always a step away from completely falling apart?
I think I have the answer: Stress + Chocolate. This combination does nothing for me. I eat the chocolate (lots of chocolate), I feel guilty and depressed, I take out my frustration on people around me (the kids this time), and then I feel guilty and depressed. It's a vicious circle.
After the milk incident, I get a hold of myself and we play Chutes-n-Ladders and Tag You're It. I figure I've already ruined this day eating-wise, so I just grab the whole bowl of candy and have at it (that makes so much sense, I know!). At seven I put Sammy in bed and get on the phone for a conference call with my family. At eight, I end the call and take Eli and Carli up for bed--it's then I realize why Carli was so well occupied when I was on the phone. She discovered a brand new tube of concealer in my room and decorated her bedroom carpet and bedspread with it. I am stunned. Furious. I'm not sure what to do, but I handle it about as terribly as possible. I yell. I rail. I spank. Poor Carli cries her eyes out and when I go back up to her room to reassure her that I'm not mad anymore and that I still love her, she is all curled up, fast asleep and the blanket around her chin is soaked through with her tears. I hold her and tell her how much I love her even though she is sleeping soundly.
Motherhood is rife with regret, and this has been one of those regretful days. It's a good thing, as Miss Stacey says in Anne of Avonlea, that "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it." I really need a clean slate.
Tomorrow morning the chocolate leaves the house! My goal for the day is to just calm down. None of these things are really that big of a deal. I'm overreacting like crazy and I've got to stop. In twenty years I won't care if there is still a concealer stain on the carpet, but I will care how my kids remember I treated them. That is more important than anything.
7 comments:
Oh Luella! I'm so sorry to hear about your day. If it makes you feel any better, you are not the only one who broke their fast with Halloween candy today. ;-( Sigh! And you are not the only one to lose it with their kids. My husband isn't deployed, but he is in the bishopric, which makes Sundays very long, lonely days for me. I know that is only a fraction of what you have to deal with your husband being gone, but it is a small measure of empathy! One thing I absolutely know is that Heavenly Father loves you and will support you if you ask him. He knows what you are battling and he knows how to help you. I needed some uplifting this weekend, so I've been reading old talks by Sheri Dew. I definitely recommend it! You can go to lds.org, gospel library, and search for her name. She is amazing. Hang in there. Call me anytime if you need a listening ear. I'm going to meetings on Tuesdays now, so I won't be seeing you very often, but I'm still cheering you on your journey!
Heather--thanks for the kind comments. You need to send me an invite to your blog--it's private and I don't have your email. My email is benandluella@netzero.net. Hope you see this!
Boy have I had plenty of days like that, and I'm not the one being a single parent for two months!! I think you are doing very well without Ben there. I do have to agree with you on the chocolate+stress thing. I totally pig on chocolate and I, too, seem to take my stress out on those around me (sadly, my children and even husband!) I'm just glad that children really are forgiving and they probably forget most of the craziness I hand to them. Anyway, you are wonderful and your children love you. I hope you are having a better day today!
I totally have days like that, too. My trigger seems to be lack of sleep. If I haven't slept, I eat more junk food during the day (hoping for the sugar-high that never comes) and lose my patience much more quickly. I think I have apologized to poor little Joseph more times in the past few weeks for losing my temper when he acts like a typical 2 year-old boy and makes a mess of something. I am forever in awe of military wives - I do hope Heavenly Father blesses you for your husband's service. Hang in there!
I have definitely seen some of these days... this week being quite full of them, actually... And Phil just got home, so what's my deal? :(
I hope your week has been a bit better! Let me know if I can do anything for you.
I was thinking about how much I admire you and all moms who do it alone last night when my husband was a whole hour later than he said he would be and I was losing it then! We're all rooting and praying for you.
I admire you for being so open, I would not have the guts to be so open that people might judge me. It's so silly though because being open is what makes it so people really know us and find strength. Your Sunday sounds like mine, and I know I'm cranky when I'm hungry. As I have read in your past post luella you can't compare yourself with others, plus what you see may not be the way life really is. You are so awesome! and you are great at what you do as a mom, we all have days like this (I have more then I want to ever admit) but then we have those GREAT days too, it's life! KEEP on being the wonderful mom you are and just do your best and the Lord will take care of the rest! (at least this is my motto!)
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