Who I REALLY am

I had a great meeting on Friday! Every week is good, but this one seemed to be especially geared towards me and it was just what I needed to hear.

(I had a very modest loss of .2 lbs, which was perfectly satisfactory to me seeing as how I lost 4.2 last week!)

I had been struggling during the week with a sort of identity crisis. I have lost 70+ pounds now, and I feel like a whole new person! There are times though, when I feel like it would be only so easy to go right back to where I started from (see the last post). When I lose control with eating, I catch glimpses of who I used to be, when food was an emotional crutch and when I ate to satisfy more than just hunger cravings. I sometimes feel insecure about this new me, like I'm just kind of pretending to be this fit and healthy person, and that it's not the REAL me. I'm not sure how to come to grips with this insecurity.

For SO long I have been the big girl, the chubby girl, the overweight one; it doesn't seem natural to me to be "normal". I almost feel like I'm having a Cinderella experience in a lighter body and any minute now the clock is going to strike twelve and the size tens are going to change back to eighteens.

During the meeting we talked about this very topic and Nancy quoted a line from the movie Legally Blonde. The girl is frustrated at one point and she says, "I'm just so tired of trying to be someone I'm not." and the guy responds with, "Have you ever thought that you might be trying to be who you really are?"

That quote really got to me. I had to blink back tears with the thought that this might be who I REALLY am! I can be "normal"! I can be a fit and healthy person! I haven't done anything crazy to get to this point, I have eaten a normal, healthy, moderate diet, enjoying snacks and treats almost every day for the past 14 months since I started. I have had pizza, Taco Bell, chocolate and ice cream on an almost weekly basis since I began this journey. I have not been deprived of anything! This is definitely a lifestyle that I am willing to live. With a little bit of self-awareness, moderation, and journaling, this is a maintainable way of life.

How comforting and reassuring that is... to know that I CAN do it. I CAN maintain this weight loss, and I CAN be the fit person I've always wanted to be.

This is who I really am.

Well, I knew it was going to happen. I knew it was. Things were going too well and I was lulled into a false sense of security... and false sense of control.

The truth is, I still have issues with food. I will ALWAYS have issues with food. Sometimes I forget that and whenever I do, the food always gets the upper hand.

Unfortunately, such a situation happened today.

I was feeling so high! Coming off of two huge accomplishments the past few days. Actually, three huge accomplishments. First, losing the 4.2 lbs at my meeting, then making it through the church picnic, and then last night passing up a pie social because I knew I was weak and I would end up eating a week's worth of points in pie.

I knew today would be a challenge. Sundays almost always are. We're in the house for most of the day and much of our activity is based around the meals. On top of that, it's Easter, so we have an abundance of chocolate eggs, jelly beans, and other random awfulness!

I really don't even know what happened! I was doing fine . . . ate a normal breakfast, a normal lunch, and then post-lunch, I just went absolutely crazy! I'm not really sure how several peanut butter eggs found their way to my mouth, but they did. And then a few more, and then a couple more. By that time, there were only two left and I was desperate to have the pressure gone, so I just finished them off. Once the kids caught wind of the candy free-for-all, they joined in and since they started, I decided (check that...I wasn't deciding anything! My brain, and my self-control was on complete hiatus... had abandoned me completely by this time) that I would just keep going. So I polished off some more jelly beans, a few Robin Eggs, decapitated a couple of mini chocolate bunnies and then finished Carli's chicken noodle soup just for good measure. Got to have something salty, right?

Oh! I'm trying desperately to make light of it because I feel upset about it right now. I feel like episodes like this one completely diminish the success I've attained so far and I have to constantly remind myself that I have been successful! I have lost 70+ pounds! I have been in control!

So now I find myself in a terrible position. Wishing so badly that I could push the rewind button and undo so many things that happened today, and wishing that I had power to change things that cannot be changed.

I would rewind to earlier today and consciously choose to have a treat. A treat. Meaning one. Maybe two. And then I would consciously decide to be finished.

That rewind would rid me of the feelings of worthlessness, failure and despair (and the disgusting feeling that comes when you eat WAY too much junk food).

I would rewind past yelling at the kids, and be more patient. Realizing that taking my personal frustrations out on them only exacerbates the problem!

And, most of all, I wish I had the power to bring Ben home. If he was here he could have helped me, and even if I didn't avoid the episode completely, he would have been here to comfort me and help me let it go after it happened.

Unfortunately, wishful thinking doesn't exactly help me move forward. I've been on this journey long enough to know that I just have to let it go. Drop the guilt, and move on. Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it. (Right, Miss Shirley?).

So, what have I learned from today? I have issues! I have issues, and if I ever forget it, I'm reminded quite forcefully! Staying on top of those issues is what has gotten me this far, and taking it one day at a time is what will get me to my goal.

I feel better after having this little chat. Thanks for listening.

Focus and Motivation

Weigh-in on Friday was FANTASTIC! I saw the biggest loss I have ever had except for the first week. When the number finally stopped, my leader said, "Whoa!" and I yelled, "YES!" I was down 4.2 lbs, bringing me to 173.4, just 3.4 lbs from my goal!

I was very happy, very excited, and I'm feeling so motivated by that success! I earned another five pound star and was recognized at the meeting. And what do you know? I cried again. No surprise there!

You should have heard the applause though... it was awesome. I feel so inspired by my meeting, so grateful to the other people who come each week, and have been so touched by my leader who is caring and compassionate! If I had to rank the reasons for my success, attending my weekly meeting would be #1 on the list. It has made the biggest difference for me... I'm so grateful!

On Friday night, I took the kids to Burger King to eat and play at the playground. I had weighed my options for eating that night, and I went ahead and splurged on a Whopper and fries. It was a lot of points, but man! that whopper was tasty!

Waking up this morning, I had a few moments of regret over that Whopper, especially given that it's Easter weekend and I knew I would be assaulted with candy. We also had a church picnic today... usually a recipe for disaster for me.

Big picnics, parties, and barbecues are a total battleground for me, and usually a fight I end up losing! I generally go hungry, spend a lot of time around the food, eat my weight in fatty salads and desserts, and end up feeling like stuffed turkey. I just can't resist the abundance of free food!

I was worried about the party today... with the added pressure of taking care of the kids by myself, I knew it would be stressful and that I could end up on my knees at the end of the dessert table shoveling cookies into my open mouth.

I thought about it several times while we got ready. What was I going to do? I knew I needed a plan.

So, I packed a sack lunch. I figured everyone already knows I do Weight Watchers, so it wouldn't be too weird to see me pull out my yogurt and carrots... and even then, it's MY health we're talking about, right? So even if someone does think it's weird, or even stupid, that I packed my own lunch... who cares? I care much more about how I will feel afterward than whether someone is thinking that I'm a dork.

But, when we got to the party, I noticed that there were a few good options. There were four or more huge trays of vegetables with dip, some baked beans, and lots of water. I ended up with 1/2 a hot dog, about 1/2 cup of baked beans and a plate full of raw veggies and dip. It turned out great. I stayed away from the dessert table and drank a lot of water.

And actually, the stress of taking care of the kids took my attention off of the food, so that helped as well.

I don't think I've ever felt so in control or made such wise decisions in a situation like that before. I felt so empowered! I was so happy that I could be around all that food and consciously decide that I wasn't going to have any of it. It was a really great moment for me.

I cannot adequately describe how it feels to be in control of food and not the other way around. For so long I felt helpless in situations like the above... like I was helpless to control myself, like if I didn't eat until I was stuffed, I would not be truly satisfied.

It is wonderful, and freeing, and HIGHLY motivating to focus on a goal, plan ahead, and then follow through. Three stepping stones to success.

Yay, me! I feel SO proud.

BODY FOR LIFE!

Anybody out there up for a challenge? If you've seen or read anything about Body-for-Life, you know what I mean when I say challenge! I've had this book by Bill Phillips for years, I've even started the challenge several times but quit after a few weeks.

This time, I am ready!

I've done well with my weight loss, down almost 70 pounds, but I am really needing some inspiration to move forward with my goals. And I think Body-for-Life is it!

The challenge is 12 weeks long and includes workout plans and eating guidelines. It is very simple, but it takes commitment... and it is a definite challenge!

The workouts include intense strength training three days a week, high-intensity interval cardio 3 days a week, and a rest day the seventh. The good thing is these workouts aren't very long... about 45 minutes for strength and 20 minutes for cardio. It doesn't seem like a lot, but if you do it right, you will see results.

As far as eating goes, you have 5-6 small meals per day instead of 3 squares. Each meal consists of one portion of lean protein and one portion of carbohydrate, plus you add vegetables to two meals per day. It's a simple plan, really.

I'm excited about it because I really want to learn to feed my body with good, healthy food instead of feeding my emotions. I have lost a lot of weight, but I don't feel like I have really overcome emotional eating. I'm hoping that committing to this plan and sticking to it will help with that.

You can enter the challenge online at www.bodyforlife.com. Challenges run year-round and winners can receive up to $25,000! Wouldn't that be great!?!

I've read the book, I've taken some before pictures (I don't have the guts to post them yet! You'll have to wait until the after!), and I am ready.

Who's with me??

Continuous Effort

Weigh-in this morning went well. I lost 1.6 lbs, bringing the total to 57.2 since joining Weight Watchers and 69.2 all together.

So why am I not happy with that?!? All morning long I've been asking myself why I'm not satisfied with that loss, and I think it's because my expectations were too high. I did really well this week, eating a balanced diet and I didn't eat all of my weekly points allowance (an extra 35) like I usually do. I thought that would translate into a bigger loss.

But, it didn't. Bummer.

As I get closer and closer to my goal I find myself getting more and more impatient. I need to remind myself that this journey is not a sprint, but a marathon, and often the last six miles are the hardest... and the slowest! I was hoping for a better number, but I am happy with 1.6. It's a loss, and that's what counts. Baby steps, right?

Someone wise once told me that "success is simply continuous effort". And how right he was. That's the key. If I make an unwise food choice, I eat better the next day. If I don't give my all in a workout, I work harder that next time. Whenever I fall, I get back up. That's what counts, and that's what will get me to my goal.

I taught a strength class this morning and as we were holding a 60-second full plank, I told them that a year ago I couldn't have held that plank for ten seconds, much less sixty! In fact, I did my first full plank in several years about 6 weeks ago, and it's amazing how far I've come since then. Continuous effort in exercise REALLY pays off!

Success for me now has much less to do with the scale and much more to do with how I feel about myself.

I can do anything! I feel strong, I feel capable, I feel proud.

And that's worth more to me than anything.