I had a great meeting on Friday! Every week is good, but this one seemed to be especially geared towards me and it was just what I needed to hear.
(I had a very modest loss of .2 lbs, which was perfectly satisfactory to me seeing as how I lost 4.2 last week!)
I had been struggling during the week with a sort of identity crisis. I have lost 70+ pounds now, and I feel like a whole new person! There are times though, when I feel like it would be only so easy to go right back to where I started from (see the last post). When I lose control with eating, I catch glimpses of who I used to be, when food was an emotional crutch and when I ate to satisfy more than just hunger cravings. I sometimes feel insecure about this new me, like I'm just kind of pretending to be this fit and healthy person, and that it's not the REAL me. I'm not sure how to come to grips with this insecurity.
For SO long I have been the big girl, the chubby girl, the overweight one; it doesn't seem natural to me to be "normal". I almost feel like I'm having a Cinderella experience in a lighter body and any minute now the clock is going to strike twelve and the size tens are going to change back to eighteens.
During the meeting we talked about this very topic and Nancy quoted a line from the movie Legally Blonde. The girl is frustrated at one point and she says, "I'm just so tired of trying to be someone I'm not." and the guy responds with, "Have you ever thought that you might be trying to be who you really are?"
That quote really got to me. I had to blink back tears with the thought that this might be who I REALLY am! I can be "normal"! I can be a fit and healthy person! I haven't done anything crazy to get to this point, I have eaten a normal, healthy, moderate diet, enjoying snacks and treats almost every day for the past 14 months since I started. I have had pizza, Taco Bell, chocolate and ice cream on an almost weekly basis since I began this journey. I have not been deprived of anything! This is definitely a lifestyle that I am willing to live. With a little bit of self-awareness, moderation, and journaling, this is a maintainable way of life.
How comforting and reassuring that is... to know that I CAN do it. I CAN maintain this weight loss, and I CAN be the fit person I've always wanted to be.
This is who I really am.
5 comments:
You are sooo awesome! I loved this post. I'm so happy for you!
I've always felt that to develop an attribute or characteristic (like, say, a shy person wanting to become more outgoing) that you had to pretend you were that person until you became that person. So it's ok to pretend for a while, as long as you actually become that which you are pretending to be.
Luella.....I found you through Jeannie's blog, hope you don't mind. Your journey to loose weight is very inspiring. I know that you will be able to get to your goal and that you will continue to do it. Just the little that I know you from high school you have that determination and dedication. Keep up the good work.
Chiara Miller Aldridge
Thanks, Luella. I needed to hear that, too, for many reasons. Very profound. Not sure if I'm there yet.
I have no words, ... I just love you! you inspire me!
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