Ugh.

Do you ever just not want to talk about it? That's how I feel today. I opened a new post last night and I just sat and stared at the screen. I just don't want to talk about it (but of course, now that I've started typing, I guess I will talk about it. =) ).

My weigh-in wasn't awful, but it wasn't good either. It was to be expected after eating pretty much off-plan in St. John, but I thought I had made up for it in the five days since we got home. Nope.

Argh. I'm bummed and I feel frustrated. I'm having jealousy issues--looking at people around me and wondering why I can't look like that--why I can't be that thin, why I can't have those legs or that waist, or those toned arms (ARMS! I hate them!). Stupid, I know. Yet, those feelings keep coming to me and I find myself harboring ill-well towards people I don't even know!

Last night the Cookie Dough Demon almost got to me--I was SO close to making a whole batch and downing half of it on the spot. Thankfully, I got out my food journal instead and took stock of the day, realizing that if I did the cookie dough thing, I would ruin a perfectly healthy day. I got busy on the computer instead and caught up the family blog about our trip to St. John. Victory.

Next goal: Stop comparing myself to others and wishing for the Magic Makeover Fairy to swoop down and instantly change all the things I don't like about my body. Even the person I think looks most perfect has something she would like to change about her body. Don't we all?

Good news: I'm not giving up. I sure am frustrated, but hopefully I can channel that frustration into determination and make progress towards my goal.

Frustrated, but determined. Wow, not talking about it sure does help sometimes (hee,hee)!

St. John

View of Coral Bay from the Villa tower.

We finally made it to St. John after a pretty grueling trip (see my other blog for more detail), and it is just as beautiful as everyone said it would be. I didn't have time to post about my weigh-in on Friday before we left, so I'm catching up now.

Nancy (my leader) wasn't at the meeting, so that's always a disappointment. I had a loss of .4, which isn't great, but considering the week I had, it was a miracle! I didn't eat too terribly bad, but I just really struggled. I ate a lot--so a loss was pretty surprising.

I didn't give much thought or planning as to eating on this vacation, I just know that vacations in general are difficult for anyone trying to eat well! So far, though, it's been easy! It's so hot and humid here, you just want to guzzle water all day long. I think I average about two gallons a day. You can't drink the tap water--it's just redirected rain water, and water is a huge commodity on the island. There are signs all over the place saying "Water is the Gold of the Caribbean, please conserve!" It's $2.00 for a bottle of water, but you can buy it in gallons by the case for much cheaper than that. There isn't much that is cheap on the island though--that's another reason why this has been easier than most vacations--there isn't a huge abundance of food laying around. Food is very expensive--I mean EX-PEN-SIVE! The other day we bought one pound of turkey deli meat, one pound of swiss cheese, strawberry jam, peanut butter, bread, diapers (28 pack), baby carrots, and yogurt and the bill was $78!!! A gallon of milk runs you about $7 and cereal is around 8 bucks a box. It's ridiculous. I know it's a bit relative cause people here make more money, but good grief! It's enough to give a tourist cardiac arrest at the market!

Dinner with the private chef.

So, in an effort to not spend our entire life savings on this one trip, we have been eating very sensibly. A small bowl of cereal or yogurt and a banana for breakfast, a sandwich and carrots for lunch, and dinner of chicken or pork tenderloin, potatoes, broccoli, and pineapple.

Snorkeling in Newfound Bay.

Another plus has been the activity level of this trip. The first day we spent at the beach playing in the water, and yesterday we went sailing and snorkeling, and then swam in the pool after dinner. It's been awesome so far, and we've got 5 days left!

One of the highlights of the trip so far was a surprise Dru had for us last night. He hired his friend and private chef, Ted, to come to the villa and cook a gourmet meal for us. It was amazing! He brought super fresh and local food and it was all delicious. I didn't stuff myself, but I had some of everything, including the dessert, and I didn't give it a second thought. That's probably the only time in my entire life that I'll have a professional chef cook for me. For appetizers we had focaccia bread with sweet basil, tomatoes and mozzarella, roasted-corn fritters with avocado creme fraiche and romesco sauce and marinated shrimp grilled on cedar planks. The main course was filet mignon, fresh marinated tuna steaks, roasted tomatoes w/mozzarella and bread crumb topping, portobello mushrooms with wilted spinach and red onions, roasted asparagus, grilled zucchini, field greens with lemon vinaigrette and smashed, roasted potatoes with white truffle oil. For the kids there was gourmet macaroni and cheese and grilled chicken (Ben loved the mac-n-cheese too!). For dessert we had chocolate ganache torte with strawberries and lemon basil dressed with aged balsamic vinegar. It was fantastic! I especially loved the viaigrette and field greens and the asparagus. The corn fritters were my favorite appetizer.

What a treat! It was so fun to have a real chef come and cook for us--and I didn't spend a single moment thinking about the points value of anything I ate!

Just Can't Get NO....

Satisfaction! I swear, I just cannot get my fill today. I feel like a bottomless pit! This tends to happen to me whenever I put a deadline on a certain weight or make a goal for weight loss that I really have no control over. I am forever learning in this process--my body will not be rushed.

I had big ideas of losing 2.4 lbs this week to make it to 200, and it's making me crazy. There is something psychological that happens to me when I start to tell myself that I have to be a certain weight at a certain time . . . it backfires! All of the sudden, all I want to do is eat, and the peanut butter starts calling to me from behind the cupboard doors--I can eat a full days worth of points in seconds flat.

It's good to have goals--really good, but a goal you can't control? There is no "If I try hard enough, for sure I will lose ___ pounds this week." There have been weeks when I did everything right, did not eat my weekly points allowance, and worked out twice a day, and still I saw only a small loss. There are too many variables in this experiment to be able to guess the weekly outcome. THEREFORE, I vow to stop making number goals. That is, I'm not going to put a deadline on my weight loss. I'm in it for the long haul, some weeks will be small losses, some will be big, but number goals are out.

Phew. I feel better. The pressure was getting to me, and it was manifesting itself in small bouts of binge eating . . . a few chocolate chip cookies, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a handful of goldfish--all things I don't eat on a regular basis. My points were gone today by 4 pm! I'm glad the pressure's off and I can go back to doing the best I can--staying on plan, eating well and not sweating the numbers.

My goal for the rest of this week: Stay on plan, journal every point, stay positive and gear up for St. John eating challenges (It's gonna be hard--I'll need all the willpower I can get!)

Where does the time go?

Well, here it is Monday and I haven't even posted about last week! The weigh-in on Friday was successful, a .6 lb loss. I always have to tell myself that .6 is more than half a pound, cause when you say .6, it sure doesn't sound like a lot! I've said before though, a loss is a loss, no matter how big or small. I would have liked to see a bigger loss, but that's okay, I'll just keep at it this week. My goal is still in sight... under 200 for the trip to St. John. We leave on Friday, but not until the evening, so I'll still be able to go to my meeting. I have to lose 2.4 to make the goal . . . I'm going to try hard, but after cookie dough last night I might have to throw in a couple of extra workouts!