Ugh

Disappointed.

That's how I'm feeling this morning. I did well this week, stayed in my points and I exercised A LOT . . . so there is absolutely NO reason why I should have gained .4 at the weigh-in today.

What a bummer.

Fortunately we talked about emotional eating at the meeting today, which, based on my last post, is something I really need help with.

Yeah, I didn't go over my points, but I didn't spend them very wisely either. Pizza one night, a Sam's Club hot dog another day. . . after several meals I ended up overly full. Not exactly the recipe for weight-loss success.

BUT, it's another week . . . right? My success or failure hinges on whether I learn from this week or whether I let it get me down.

I'm not letting it get me down, no sir. I'm disappointed, sure, but it's time to move on.

Here's to a full week of eating for hunger ONLY.

Say it with me now... "If hunger is not the problem then food is not the answer."

Still Learning

Frustration.

That's what I'm feeling.

It's not because I've been unsuccessful . . . I have been successful. This week, though, has opened my eyes to the fact that I'm still learning . . . and sometimes, I go against the things I already know to be true.

For example, I know that pizza is my personal adversary, my mortal enemy to weight loss . . . pizza can throw me off of a good eating day faster than anything, and it is virtually impossible to stop eating it! If there is pizza still available, I will eat until I am busting at the seams.


And all the while there is a little voice in the back of my head screaming, "No! Not pizza! You know you can't defeat pizza!" This voice knows that pizza destroys my resolve and leaves me wanting to eat even more--usually ice cream!

Why can't I stay away from pizza? I'm really not sure. I guess a part of me doesn't want to be deprived of anything and pizza is a food I really love.

And it's not just pizza . . . other junk foods have a hold on me that I still haven't been able to break . . . french fries, cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets, pop tarts. Thankfully, I don't have these foods all that often, but when I am faced with them, I usually eat way more than I wanted and end up feeling defeated.

This week there have been several meals that have left me feeling defeated--not because I went over on my points, but because I ate until I was stuffed and uncomfortable. I have felt this week like I was eating for something more than hunger . . . and I'm just not sure what other void I was trying to fill.

My weigh-in is tomorrow and based on my tracking and exercise this week, I should be expecting a loss although I'm not feeling it. Maybe I'll be pleasantly surprised . . . you never know.

This week I've got to work on eating for hunger . . . I read a quote this week in a magazine that said, "If you're not hungry, you shouldn't be eating." So simple, really.

That will be my goal for this week:

To identify hunger and satisfy it, and to examine my feelings when I determine it's not hunger and figure out what I can do to satisfy that need.

Bothered...

Does anyone else get bothered when January rolls around and all the advertisements start promising surefire weight loss, a magic pill, the quick solution to all your weight loss problems? I sure do! Sure enough, every January, every internet sidebar and dozens of TV commercials start making outrageous promises, all counting on the fact that a desperate public will fork over the dough for a magic solution. I honestly get SO mad when I hear the words, "Eat whatever you want, no exercise required!" Yesterday the sidebar on my email had a dramatic before and after picture of a woman saying: "I lost 46 pounds in two weeks!" What did she do, buy a tapeworm?

It just infuriates me to no end that big companies try to dupe people into buying products that will do nothing for them. And believe me, I know this from experience! I've been on the pills, prescription and non... and while they do work for a while, that's not something you can do for the rest of your life! And where is the information about the side effects? It's so frustrating to me!

I'm so grateful to Weight Watchers--so grateful that it's something totally doable and it fits into my everyday life. I CAN eat anything I want... in moderation, of course. I get frustrated when any diet plan/program tries to cut out entire food groups (Yes, I've done Atkins!) or even sweets... like I'm never going to have a bowl of ice cream again? Yeah, right.

I'm not sure where this post is going, but I just wanted to express my frustration with quick fixes--especially because they get into my head and tempt me to try them! There is NO quick fix. To lose weight and keep it off you must expend more calories than you consume . . . day after day, year after year.

Does anyone else get bugged by this?

Just Do It

I really haven't been very good at updating the blog lately! I got in the vacation mindset over Christmas break and I haven't been able to get back in the swing of things! Speaking of Christmas, the holidays didn't have a huge impact on my weight loss since I was sick that week, but I managed to make up for that by squandering that loss the next two weeks. Unfortunately, I felt like I had somehow been robbed of indulgence and I overate for two weeks running, gaining back all but .6 lbs of the weight I lost Christmas week. Thankfully, I was able to stop the bleeding this week and come back strong with a 4 pound loss, to hit my lowest weight yet.

I have had a lot of random thoughts lately about this weight loss journey. Becoming a slim (or slimmer) person has really changed a lot of preconceived notions I once had. Having been overweight pretty much my entire life, I always figured that thin people just had it easy... I knew people who could eat pretty much whatever they wanted and not gain an ounce. I don't know about you, but that always made me mad! Honestly, though, I think those people are pretty few and far between.

I have a couple of friends, two in particular, who are very thin, but who still make a concerted effort to eat well and exercise--I really love that! I used to think, "Oh, she doesn't even have to try!" But now I know better. I know that a person can be very thin and still be VERY out of shape, and a person can carry a few extra pounds and be very fit. It's been an eye-opening experience.

You know one of the best parts about losing weight? The compliments. There is just nothing better than having someone recognize your hard work with a compliment... I sincerely appreciate every single compliment, and they never get old.

I also overcame a personal obstacle in the past few weeks. I have wanted to teach aerobics for a long time now... it's something I enjoy and always felt like I would be good at. I have a friend who has encouraged me, but I always felt self-conscious with the extra weight. I figure who wants to take a fitness class from someone who isn't fit? Well, I have finally become comfortable enough in my skin to get over my self-consciousness and I am working on getting hired at a local gym! It's just such a good feeling to want something and to go out and get it.

So to everyone who has been held back for one reason or another, if there's something you want to accomplish, don't let anything hold you back. Whoever you are, whatever you want to do, you can do it! If I can do it, you can do it!

2008--Year in Review

I don't know about you, but I always love the beginning of a new year. Each year when I transfer my information from my old planner to the new, I go over my resolutions from the past year and make new goals for the new one. Of course there are always resolutions that went out the window the second week in January . . . BUT, I am so proud that in 2008 I kept one of my major resolutions and during the past 12 months I have lost 60 pounds!!

I can't even count the number of times I have tried to lose weight in the past--I have tried off and on since I was 12 years old. I have lost and gained, lost and gained, struggled, cried, planned, starved, binged and "dieted" FOREVER!

This time it was different.

I turned 30 in 2008 and I just knew it was my year. I wasn't going to let anything stop me from reaching my goal. And I didn't.

I joined Weight Watchers on Feb. 16, the day after my birthday, and I have missed only one meeting (we were in St. John, USVI) since then.

I struggled with the same five pounds for almost 8 weeks during the summer, but I kept going back.

I have gained several times, once a pattern of every other week almost made me crazy, but I kept going back.

I have lost and gained, lost and gained, struggled, cried, and planned, but I have not starved, binged or "dieted"!

And I kept going back.


Last weeks weigh-in was a day-after-Christmas present with a loss of 3.2! Don't mistake me for a super hero of self-discipline, though . . . I had the stomach flu all week long, so the holiday treats weren't nearly as tempting as usual. I have fallen off the wagon this week and let some of my tracking slide, so I'm definitely not expecting a loss at weigh-in tomorrow. I'm hoping for only a small gain that I can get under control quickly next week.

I am getting closer to my weight goal, only 17 pounds to go!

Here is the past year in pictures:

January 2008 -- Ben got out the saws-all to chop up a ham bone last year. I hated this picture at the time, but now I can appreciate the humor in it! Me at my heaviest.

February 2008 -- Ben's Airman Leadership School graduation.

June 2008 -- Me and Sammy

July 2008 -- Family vacation to Utah

August 2008

September 2008

October 2008 -- At the pumpkin patch

December 21, 2008 -- Sammy's first birthday

December 2008 -- lowest weight since 2002

M I A

I've been missing in action since Ben came home from his deployment the beginning of this month. I love when he comes home, of course, but it really messes up the routine! It's easy to let things like working out and eating well slip when you're celebrating every day. . . and when you have four weeks of vacation!

My weigh-ins the past three weeks have been good. . . up and down, but an overall loss. On 12/5 I lost 1.4, on 12/12 I gained 1 and on 12/19 I lost 1.6.

Today was not the best eating day! We celebrated my baby's first birthday this week and I passed on the birthday cake, but after dealing with croup, food poisoning and stomach flu this week, when I saw the cake sitting on the stove today, I ate a HUGE piece without even thinking twice about it. I let other treats get the best of me as well and I completely lost track of my points. I attempted to salvage the day with a late evening workout at the gym, so hopefully that will help.

I'm not letting the bad day today get me down, I'll just try to do better tomorrow. And if I see a gain this week, it's okay . . . I'll work on it next week. Christmas is only once a year!

Giving Thanks...

. . . for FOUR pounds lost this week! That's actually a combination of a fluke gain last week and the loss this week. Last week the scale showed a gain of 1.8, which I just knew was not right. I had a bigger meal on Thursday night because we went to a party, and I'm sure it was just water retention from the salt in all the barbecued pork I ate! Either way, I don't really care, because I was down FOUR pounds this week and I'm just ecstatic!

I'm also giving thanks today for all those people who support me in this journey. First and foremost is Ben--my husband and best friend. He's so helpful and supportive of me. I know I can always tell him what I'm struggling with and he'll help me out. If I say I don't feel like working out, he'll encourage me to just walk on the treadmill... "It'll make you feel better, " he'll say. He stays on top of my weekly weigh-ins even from halfway around the world when he's deployed. He always knows when my meeting is and makes sure to call me and ask how it went. If I'm having a hard time he reminds me how far I've come and how capable I am of moving forward. I love him so much and I'm so grateful for him.

I'm thankful for my supportive friends . . . My friend Dayna had us over for Thanksgiving dinner and she made sure that there were vegetable trays and lots of good food choices. She accommodated me in every way--held the baby so I could eat and enjoy adult conversation--made sure that her older kids entertained my younger ones--just basically made what was a very hard day for me so much easier.

For my leader, Nancy. She has this incredible talent of making everyone in the room feel like they're the most important person there. She's wonderful and entertaining and she keeps me coming back week after week. She is real and genuine and knowing that someone who cares is waiting by the scale every week is a huge motivator.

For my mom and mother-in-law who call for weekly updates and congratulate my success.

For my friends who comment regularly on the blog . . . Thank you so much. It means so much to know that there are others who understand, who have felt the way I do (good and bad!) and who care enough to read my rantings and ravings about the weight-loss battle. I appreciate you and you give me strength! I love you all.

So much to be thankful for!

The Biggest Loser--I can't believe they didn't vote out Vicky!!

I don't know if any of my readers actually watch The Biggest Loser, but I love it! I don't really care for any of the drama, but I love to see the last five minutes when they show the before and afters.

Anyway, this season, the drama has gotten out of control and this one woman, Vicky, is turning out to be really mean and awful! I just CANNOT believe that when they had the opportunity to vote her out last night THEY DIDN'T DO IT! It all came down to Amy's decision (and this is the person Vicky had been railing on all week long because she caused the elimination of Vicky's husband) and she voted Coleen out instead!! I WAS SO MAD!

Anyway, I just had to get that off my chest. If this Vicky person wins, the show will be ruined forever for me!

Great Breakfast Idea

Okay, this sounded gross to me at first, but I tried it anyway, and it's really good!

Try cottage cheese with sliced bananas and sugar-free or light syrup. It's really tasty! Not only that, but it's also quick and easy to prepare. In fact, it's quickly becoming my six-year-old's favorite breakfast (after toaster waffles, of course). He can stay in bed a few minutes longer when he opts for this breakfast.

I got the idea out of the Eating For Life book by Bill Phillips--the same guy who wrote Body for Life. It's a great way to get a milk serving with protein and a fruit! You hit three of the Good Health Guidelines in one meal--yay!

I beat the chocolate!

My weigh-in on Friday went VERY well! I knew I would have a loss because I had a good week, but I didn't expect 2.8 lbs! It was awesome! I got clapped for again and I got another 5-lb star to put on my bookmark. Ever since I got rid of the Halloween chocolate things have gone pretty well. Hopefully someday I'll learn to deal with candy and chocolate, but for right now I think my best course is to just stay away from it.

Now I'm gearing up for the holidays, starting with Thanksgiving. I love the holiday season and all the good feelings that come with it, but without fail, every year, I end up feeling terrible--fat and bloated-- and I gain several pounds. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT THIS YEAR!! I'm not sure what my plan of attack is yet, but I'm working on it.

I think Thanksgiving will be easier than usual for several reasons this year.

1) Ben's not here, so there's less to celebrate.

2) I won't be cooking.

3) Since I'm not cooking there won't be any leftover pie or heavy casseroles to eat up my points.

4) Thanksgiving is on Thursday. That's the day before my weigh-in so I'm always more aware of how I eat that day. I don't want to ruin the whole week for just one meal.

5) I have come so far, I'm not willing to lose my momentum now--holidays or not. I'm determined to enjoy the day and the meal and to stay on plan.

Stress + Chocolate = More Stress

Geez. What a day. It starts out fine, I am feeling good, determined to have a healthy eating day--fasting, in fact, hoping for some needed spiritual strength. Church is nice. A friend of mine holds the baby most of the first hour and that is really wonderful. The rest of church is spent out in the hallway with Sammy, but at least the kids get to go to their classes. (Someday I will enjoy church again.)

Anyway, after church things quickly unravel. I break my fast with about ten snack size chocolate bars--really smart, I know, but in the moment I wasn't worrying about being smart. Then we have dinner. During dinner, my mother-in-law calls and as we chat, Carli dumps over her glass of milk and while I get the cloth to wipe it up, she and Eli decide to paint with it. They both put their hands in it and wipe it all over the counter. Well, I lose it. Start yelling, crying, being utterly ridiculous. I slam down the phone, hanging up on Jane, pleading with the kids to please give me a break. They both start crying, Carli telling me I scare her, Eli asking me why I yell so loud. Man. What am I turning into? I'm mad at myself for overreacting, so I wolf down some more chocolate.

Then Ben calls and I let him have it. I am in the throes of a major pity party and I can't seem to break out of it. I just really don't like this crying, complaining, self-pitying version of myself. Why do other women seem so put together when I feel like I'm always a step away from completely falling apart?

I think I have the answer: Stress + Chocolate. This combination does nothing for me. I eat the chocolate (lots of chocolate), I feel guilty and depressed, I take out my frustration on people around me (the kids this time), and then I feel guilty and depressed. It's a vicious circle.

After the milk incident, I get a hold of myself and we play Chutes-n-Ladders and Tag You're It. I figure I've already ruined this day eating-wise, so I just grab the whole bowl of candy and have at it (that makes so much sense, I know!). At seven I put Sammy in bed and get on the phone for a conference call with my family. At eight, I end the call and take Eli and Carli up for bed--it's then I realize why Carli was so well occupied when I was on the phone. She discovered a brand new tube of concealer in my room and decorated her bedroom carpet and bedspread with it. I am stunned. Furious. I'm not sure what to do, but I handle it about as terribly as possible. I yell. I rail. I spank. Poor Carli cries her eyes out and when I go back up to her room to reassure her that I'm not mad anymore and that I still love her, she is all curled up, fast asleep and the blanket around her chin is soaked through with her tears. I hold her and tell her how much I love her even though she is sleeping soundly.

Motherhood is rife with regret, and this has been one of those regretful days. It's a good thing, as Miss Stacey says in Anne of Avonlea, that "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it." I really need a clean slate.

Tomorrow morning the chocolate leaves the house! My goal for the day is to just calm down. None of these things are really that big of a deal. I'm overreacting like crazy and I've got to stop. In twenty years I won't care if there is still a concealer stain on the carpet, but I will care how my kids remember I treated them. That is more important than anything.

Oh Halloween...how I detest thee.

No, that's not true, I don't detest Halloween. In fact, I love Halloween! I remember going trick-or-treating as a kid and just loving the feel of all that heavy candy in my bag! And knowing that it was all MINE! I have always been a quantity person and being able to gorge myself on candy and sweets was very comforting to me--and still is at times. Unfortunately, gorging yourself on candy isn't the healthiest way to comfort yourself. I'm still not sure what exactly I was looking for, but I sure didn't find it in that bag of candy.

When my kids came in last night and we surveyed the damage I couldn't believe the amount of candy on the counter. We separated all the different types of candy (you know, the good stuff in one pile and the okay stuff in another). There were at least FIVE pounds of chocolate bars--Twix, Reese's, Milky Way, M&M's, etc. Unbelievable! My kids are only 6 and 3 years old--what are they ever going to do with that amount of candy?

I had been pumping myself up all day, telling myself that I would have a few favorites and leave it at that. But after a stressful night of trying to get costumes right, holding Sammy every minute because he would not stop crying, running from the church party to the neighborhood trick-or-treat and missing dinner myself, I just lost it. Before I even knew what had happened, I was opening snack size bars and downing them like a contestant on Survivor!

I finally regained control, put the candy away and got the kids in bed. I called a babysitter and arranged to go to the step class on base to make up for some of the damage.

The step class was great this morning, but as soon as I stepped foot back in the house, I was acutely aware of the five pounds of chocolate bars sitting on top of the fridge. I had some babysitting courtesy of the Air Force this afternoon, so I took that time to get a manicure and clean the house. After cleaning, I was alone in the house and missing Ben so much that it hurt. Darn the military for taking him away from me for months at a time--without the ability to call or talk to him when I need him. So, what did I do? I grabbed the chocolate and downed I-don't- even-know-how-many-points in chocolate. Yeah, that was smart.

Things that I have learned today:

1. Halloween is fun, but the stress of the candy isn't. It's leaving the house tomorrow.
   
2. Fitting in an extra workout makes you feel better after you over-indulge.
3. Chocolate doesn't make me miss Ben any less.