I beat the chocolate!

My weigh-in on Friday went VERY well! I knew I would have a loss because I had a good week, but I didn't expect 2.8 lbs! It was awesome! I got clapped for again and I got another 5-lb star to put on my bookmark. Ever since I got rid of the Halloween chocolate things have gone pretty well. Hopefully someday I'll learn to deal with candy and chocolate, but for right now I think my best course is to just stay away from it.

Now I'm gearing up for the holidays, starting with Thanksgiving. I love the holiday season and all the good feelings that come with it, but without fail, every year, I end up feeling terrible--fat and bloated-- and I gain several pounds. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT THIS YEAR!! I'm not sure what my plan of attack is yet, but I'm working on it.

I think Thanksgiving will be easier than usual for several reasons this year.

1) Ben's not here, so there's less to celebrate.

2) I won't be cooking.

3) Since I'm not cooking there won't be any leftover pie or heavy casseroles to eat up my points.

4) Thanksgiving is on Thursday. That's the day before my weigh-in so I'm always more aware of how I eat that day. I don't want to ruin the whole week for just one meal.

5) I have come so far, I'm not willing to lose my momentum now--holidays or not. I'm determined to enjoy the day and the meal and to stay on plan.

Stress + Chocolate = More Stress

Geez. What a day. It starts out fine, I am feeling good, determined to have a healthy eating day--fasting, in fact, hoping for some needed spiritual strength. Church is nice. A friend of mine holds the baby most of the first hour and that is really wonderful. The rest of church is spent out in the hallway with Sammy, but at least the kids get to go to their classes. (Someday I will enjoy church again.)

Anyway, after church things quickly unravel. I break my fast with about ten snack size chocolate bars--really smart, I know, but in the moment I wasn't worrying about being smart. Then we have dinner. During dinner, my mother-in-law calls and as we chat, Carli dumps over her glass of milk and while I get the cloth to wipe it up, she and Eli decide to paint with it. They both put their hands in it and wipe it all over the counter. Well, I lose it. Start yelling, crying, being utterly ridiculous. I slam down the phone, hanging up on Jane, pleading with the kids to please give me a break. They both start crying, Carli telling me I scare her, Eli asking me why I yell so loud. Man. What am I turning into? I'm mad at myself for overreacting, so I wolf down some more chocolate.

Then Ben calls and I let him have it. I am in the throes of a major pity party and I can't seem to break out of it. I just really don't like this crying, complaining, self-pitying version of myself. Why do other women seem so put together when I feel like I'm always a step away from completely falling apart?

I think I have the answer: Stress + Chocolate. This combination does nothing for me. I eat the chocolate (lots of chocolate), I feel guilty and depressed, I take out my frustration on people around me (the kids this time), and then I feel guilty and depressed. It's a vicious circle.

After the milk incident, I get a hold of myself and we play Chutes-n-Ladders and Tag You're It. I figure I've already ruined this day eating-wise, so I just grab the whole bowl of candy and have at it (that makes so much sense, I know!). At seven I put Sammy in bed and get on the phone for a conference call with my family. At eight, I end the call and take Eli and Carli up for bed--it's then I realize why Carli was so well occupied when I was on the phone. She discovered a brand new tube of concealer in my room and decorated her bedroom carpet and bedspread with it. I am stunned. Furious. I'm not sure what to do, but I handle it about as terribly as possible. I yell. I rail. I spank. Poor Carli cries her eyes out and when I go back up to her room to reassure her that I'm not mad anymore and that I still love her, she is all curled up, fast asleep and the blanket around her chin is soaked through with her tears. I hold her and tell her how much I love her even though she is sleeping soundly.

Motherhood is rife with regret, and this has been one of those regretful days. It's a good thing, as Miss Stacey says in Anne of Avonlea, that "tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it." I really need a clean slate.

Tomorrow morning the chocolate leaves the house! My goal for the day is to just calm down. None of these things are really that big of a deal. I'm overreacting like crazy and I've got to stop. In twenty years I won't care if there is still a concealer stain on the carpet, but I will care how my kids remember I treated them. That is more important than anything.

Oh Halloween...how I detest thee.

No, that's not true, I don't detest Halloween. In fact, I love Halloween! I remember going trick-or-treating as a kid and just loving the feel of all that heavy candy in my bag! And knowing that it was all MINE! I have always been a quantity person and being able to gorge myself on candy and sweets was very comforting to me--and still is at times. Unfortunately, gorging yourself on candy isn't the healthiest way to comfort yourself. I'm still not sure what exactly I was looking for, but I sure didn't find it in that bag of candy.

When my kids came in last night and we surveyed the damage I couldn't believe the amount of candy on the counter. We separated all the different types of candy (you know, the good stuff in one pile and the okay stuff in another). There were at least FIVE pounds of chocolate bars--Twix, Reese's, Milky Way, M&M's, etc. Unbelievable! My kids are only 6 and 3 years old--what are they ever going to do with that amount of candy?

I had been pumping myself up all day, telling myself that I would have a few favorites and leave it at that. But after a stressful night of trying to get costumes right, holding Sammy every minute because he would not stop crying, running from the church party to the neighborhood trick-or-treat and missing dinner myself, I just lost it. Before I even knew what had happened, I was opening snack size bars and downing them like a contestant on Survivor!

I finally regained control, put the candy away and got the kids in bed. I called a babysitter and arranged to go to the step class on base to make up for some of the damage.

The step class was great this morning, but as soon as I stepped foot back in the house, I was acutely aware of the five pounds of chocolate bars sitting on top of the fridge. I had some babysitting courtesy of the Air Force this afternoon, so I took that time to get a manicure and clean the house. After cleaning, I was alone in the house and missing Ben so much that it hurt. Darn the military for taking him away from me for months at a time--without the ability to call or talk to him when I need him. So, what did I do? I grabbed the chocolate and downed I-don't- even-know-how-many-points in chocolate. Yeah, that was smart.

Things that I have learned today:

1. Halloween is fun, but the stress of the candy isn't. It's leaving the house tomorrow.
   
2. Fitting in an extra workout makes you feel better after you over-indulge.
3. Chocolate doesn't make me miss Ben any less.

THREE POUNDS!!

I JUST HAVE TO DO THIS POST ALL IN CAPS-- I LOST THREE POUNDS THIS WEEK! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? THAT'S MY SECOND HIGHEST LOSS EVER--EVER!!

Okay, I'll stop yelling now--but I am still quite excited! I worked hard for that loss, and I was so happy to see it come off. I really feel like my body has changed the past couple of weeks. I'm starting to see some tone in my arms--finally the strength training is paying off! And I've lost inches all over. It's nice to be slowly moving back into clothes I haven't worn in more than a year. I passed my pre-baby weight about 9 pounds ago, so that's a big milestone--and now I'm heading towards my goal.

I'm proud of myself for not giving up. This journey is teaching me so many things--not the least of which is endurance. I have been imagining how it will feel to be thin and healthy for so many years, I can't wait to actually experience it for real. I'll get there, one pound at a time (or THREE if I can have another week like this one!).

Under 200!

Yay! After a loss of 1.6 at the weigh-in today I'm finally under 200! That road block has been up for quite a while and I'm so glad I made it through! There were several times I wanted to give up because it seemed to hard to get rid of those five pounds. I'm glad I stayed with it. I've seen losses for three weeks in a row now and I'm feeling good. My next goal is 190--then I'll be lower than I've been for five years!

The meeting today was awesome--motivational and helpful. We talked about emotional eating and Nancy put up a great quote:

"If hunger is not the problem, eating is not the answer."

Isn't that the truth? I posted just yesterday about that cheesecake that I ate without even really enjoying it--and I was definitely NOT hungry. Goal for this week--think about the food before I eat it and make sure I'm eating for the right reasons.

Oh, and my sister has started Weight Watchers... she has been super successful in the past and I know she will this time too. It's SO nice to have someone who really understands--and who shares my genes! She has been really helpful to me this week with solutions to problems and motivation to keep going. Thanks Renée!

With my husband leaving on a deployment this past week, I didn't even think to post about the weigh-in last Friday--I was too busy trying to soak up every last minute with him!

Last week was good--I saw a modest loss of 1.2 lbs, so I'm FINALLY over the hump I've been stuck on for weeks now. Yay!

Weigh-in is tomorrow morning and I'm not sure what will happen. I went overboard over the weekend because my mother-in-law was here and she spoiled us with eating out--I just couldn't pass on the pumpkin cheesecake at the Olive Garden--they only have it once a year! Unfortunately, while I was eating it I realized that it wasn't really all that good, but even that didn't stop me from eating the whole thing. I've got to start thinking when I'm eating--especially desserts. I tend to decide on a dessert and then eat it without thinking if I'm actually enjoying it or not.

So, after pizza at Old Chicago and cheesecake at Olive Garden, I had blown all my weekly allowance points plus some. That was Saturday . . . since then, I've been super strict and had great workouts. I even did an extra 60 minutes of cardio tonight during Survivor. Sooo, maybe I'll still see a loss tomorrow. I've been working on this same five pounds for so long, it sure would be great to finally get that five-pound star and have everyone clap for me. Here's hoping!

Finally!

Finally the scale was nice to me this week! I had a loss of 1.4 lbs, which I'm very happy with. It wasn't huge, but I've had to learn over and over that this journey is "baby steps" not leaps and bounds (think Bill Murray in "What About Bob").

If I get too impatient, I start stressing out about small losses and plateaus and it makes me freak out! I start wondering what I'm doing wrong and how I can speed up the process. I keep having to remind myself (over and over!) that I'm not doing ANYTHING wrong, I'm just living! There was no way I was going to pass on the homemade clam chowder this week, I just tried not to eat 2 quarts of it.

Anyway, hopefully I'm over the set-backs that have plagued me the past few weeks. I'm back down to my lowest weight and I'm going to work hard for a loss this week--however big or small!

Soup's on!

My meeting was nice today, we talked about Soup! I love soup! Fall is a great season for soup and there's nothing like a big pot of something yummy simmering on the stove. Eli (my six-year-old) will be the first to tell you that Split Pea Soup is his favorite food. We've been known to have it in the middle of summer just to satisfy him.

Here are some of my favorite recipes:

White Bean Chicken Chili(I usually omit the butter or use just a couple of teaspoons)

Beef Macaroni Soup

Smoky Pinto Bean Soup (I add 1 c. chopped carrots, 1 c. chopped zucchini and 1/2 cup honey barbecue sauce at the same time as the tomatoes--and I only use half or even less of the bacon it calls for. You don't need much bacon to get all the flavor.)

Nana's Pea Soup
1 ham bone or 2 smoked ham hocks
4 quarts water, more if needed
1 bay leaf
1 medium onion, whole and unpeeled
1 Tbsp salt
2 lbs split peas
2 large carrots (I sometimes use more)
3 medium potatoes
1 Tbsp salt
Cubed ham (optional--well, not in my family)

Combine bone, water, bay leaf, onion,salt and peas in a large pot. Bring to a boil, then simmer gently for 2-3 hours. Once the peas are mushy and the soup is thick, remove the ham hock, onion and bay leaf. Add the carrots, potatoes and salt. Simmer until the vegetables are very tender. Add some leftover ham if you have it and heat through. Makes a huge pot and freezes well.

Broccoli Cheese Soup
1 can cheddar cheese soup
1 can 98% fat-free broccoli cheese soup
1 pkg frozen broccoli, thawed
3 1/2 cups 1% milk
2 cups frozen hashbrowns
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup low-fat cheddar cheese (optional)
cubed ham (optional)

In a large saucepan, combine all ingredients. Bring to a boil, reduce heat and simmer until broccoli reaches desired tenderness. Add cheddar cheese as desired. Serve with croutons and additional cheese or bacon bits. YUM!

I have figured out the points values for most of these soups, but I'm not including them because sometimes I'm lazy and I just round the numbers--I don't want to upset anyone if they get different numbers. If you want the points values that I use or have any questions about the recipes, please email me: benandluella@netzero.net. Enjoy!

Ugh.

Do you ever just not want to talk about it? That's how I feel today. I opened a new post last night and I just sat and stared at the screen. I just don't want to talk about it (but of course, now that I've started typing, I guess I will talk about it. =) ).

My weigh-in wasn't awful, but it wasn't good either. It was to be expected after eating pretty much off-plan in St. John, but I thought I had made up for it in the five days since we got home. Nope.

Argh. I'm bummed and I feel frustrated. I'm having jealousy issues--looking at people around me and wondering why I can't look like that--why I can't be that thin, why I can't have those legs or that waist, or those toned arms (ARMS! I hate them!). Stupid, I know. Yet, those feelings keep coming to me and I find myself harboring ill-well towards people I don't even know!

Last night the Cookie Dough Demon almost got to me--I was SO close to making a whole batch and downing half of it on the spot. Thankfully, I got out my food journal instead and took stock of the day, realizing that if I did the cookie dough thing, I would ruin a perfectly healthy day. I got busy on the computer instead and caught up the family blog about our trip to St. John. Victory.

Next goal: Stop comparing myself to others and wishing for the Magic Makeover Fairy to swoop down and instantly change all the things I don't like about my body. Even the person I think looks most perfect has something she would like to change about her body. Don't we all?

Good news: I'm not giving up. I sure am frustrated, but hopefully I can channel that frustration into determination and make progress towards my goal.

Frustrated, but determined. Wow, not talking about it sure does help sometimes (hee,hee)!

St. John

View of Coral Bay from the Villa tower.

We finally made it to St. John after a pretty grueling trip (see my other blog for more detail), and it is just as beautiful as everyone said it would be. I didn't have time to post about my weigh-in on Friday before we left, so I'm catching up now.

Nancy (my leader) wasn't at the meeting, so that's always a disappointment. I had a loss of .4, which isn't great, but considering the week I had, it was a miracle! I didn't eat too terribly bad, but I just really struggled. I ate a lot--so a loss was pretty surprising.

I didn't give much thought or planning as to eating on this vacation, I just know that vacations in general are difficult for anyone trying to eat well! So far, though, it's been easy! It's so hot and humid here, you just want to guzzle water all day long. I think I average about two gallons a day. You can't drink the tap water--it's just redirected rain water, and water is a huge commodity on the island. There are signs all over the place saying "Water is the Gold of the Caribbean, please conserve!" It's $2.00 for a bottle of water, but you can buy it in gallons by the case for much cheaper than that. There isn't much that is cheap on the island though--that's another reason why this has been easier than most vacations--there isn't a huge abundance of food laying around. Food is very expensive--I mean EX-PEN-SIVE! The other day we bought one pound of turkey deli meat, one pound of swiss cheese, strawberry jam, peanut butter, bread, diapers (28 pack), baby carrots, and yogurt and the bill was $78!!! A gallon of milk runs you about $7 and cereal is around 8 bucks a box. It's ridiculous. I know it's a bit relative cause people here make more money, but good grief! It's enough to give a tourist cardiac arrest at the market!

Dinner with the private chef.

So, in an effort to not spend our entire life savings on this one trip, we have been eating very sensibly. A small bowl of cereal or yogurt and a banana for breakfast, a sandwich and carrots for lunch, and dinner of chicken or pork tenderloin, potatoes, broccoli, and pineapple.

Snorkeling in Newfound Bay.

Another plus has been the activity level of this trip. The first day we spent at the beach playing in the water, and yesterday we went sailing and snorkeling, and then swam in the pool after dinner. It's been awesome so far, and we've got 5 days left!

One of the highlights of the trip so far was a surprise Dru had for us last night. He hired his friend and private chef, Ted, to come to the villa and cook a gourmet meal for us. It was amazing! He brought super fresh and local food and it was all delicious. I didn't stuff myself, but I had some of everything, including the dessert, and I didn't give it a second thought. That's probably the only time in my entire life that I'll have a professional chef cook for me. For appetizers we had focaccia bread with sweet basil, tomatoes and mozzarella, roasted-corn fritters with avocado creme fraiche and romesco sauce and marinated shrimp grilled on cedar planks. The main course was filet mignon, fresh marinated tuna steaks, roasted tomatoes w/mozzarella and bread crumb topping, portobello mushrooms with wilted spinach and red onions, roasted asparagus, grilled zucchini, field greens with lemon vinaigrette and smashed, roasted potatoes with white truffle oil. For the kids there was gourmet macaroni and cheese and grilled chicken (Ben loved the mac-n-cheese too!). For dessert we had chocolate ganache torte with strawberries and lemon basil dressed with aged balsamic vinegar. It was fantastic! I especially loved the viaigrette and field greens and the asparagus. The corn fritters were my favorite appetizer.

What a treat! It was so fun to have a real chef come and cook for us--and I didn't spend a single moment thinking about the points value of anything I ate!

Just Can't Get NO....

Satisfaction! I swear, I just cannot get my fill today. I feel like a bottomless pit! This tends to happen to me whenever I put a deadline on a certain weight or make a goal for weight loss that I really have no control over. I am forever learning in this process--my body will not be rushed.

I had big ideas of losing 2.4 lbs this week to make it to 200, and it's making me crazy. There is something psychological that happens to me when I start to tell myself that I have to be a certain weight at a certain time . . . it backfires! All of the sudden, all I want to do is eat, and the peanut butter starts calling to me from behind the cupboard doors--I can eat a full days worth of points in seconds flat.

It's good to have goals--really good, but a goal you can't control? There is no "If I try hard enough, for sure I will lose ___ pounds this week." There have been weeks when I did everything right, did not eat my weekly points allowance, and worked out twice a day, and still I saw only a small loss. There are too many variables in this experiment to be able to guess the weekly outcome. THEREFORE, I vow to stop making number goals. That is, I'm not going to put a deadline on my weight loss. I'm in it for the long haul, some weeks will be small losses, some will be big, but number goals are out.

Phew. I feel better. The pressure was getting to me, and it was manifesting itself in small bouts of binge eating . . . a few chocolate chip cookies, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a handful of goldfish--all things I don't eat on a regular basis. My points were gone today by 4 pm! I'm glad the pressure's off and I can go back to doing the best I can--staying on plan, eating well and not sweating the numbers.

My goal for the rest of this week: Stay on plan, journal every point, stay positive and gear up for St. John eating challenges (It's gonna be hard--I'll need all the willpower I can get!)

Where does the time go?

Well, here it is Monday and I haven't even posted about last week! The weigh-in on Friday was successful, a .6 lb loss. I always have to tell myself that .6 is more than half a pound, cause when you say .6, it sure doesn't sound like a lot! I've said before though, a loss is a loss, no matter how big or small. I would have liked to see a bigger loss, but that's okay, I'll just keep at it this week. My goal is still in sight... under 200 for the trip to St. John. We leave on Friday, but not until the evening, so I'll still be able to go to my meeting. I have to lose 2.4 to make the goal . . . I'm going to try hard, but after cookie dough last night I might have to throw in a couple of extra workouts!