Ugh.

Do you ever just not want to talk about it? That's how I feel today. I opened a new post last night and I just sat and stared at the screen. I just don't want to talk about it (but of course, now that I've started typing, I guess I will talk about it. =) ).

My weigh-in wasn't awful, but it wasn't good either. It was to be expected after eating pretty much off-plan in St. John, but I thought I had made up for it in the five days since we got home. Nope.

Argh. I'm bummed and I feel frustrated. I'm having jealousy issues--looking at people around me and wondering why I can't look like that--why I can't be that thin, why I can't have those legs or that waist, or those toned arms (ARMS! I hate them!). Stupid, I know. Yet, those feelings keep coming to me and I find myself harboring ill-well towards people I don't even know!

Last night the Cookie Dough Demon almost got to me--I was SO close to making a whole batch and downing half of it on the spot. Thankfully, I got out my food journal instead and took stock of the day, realizing that if I did the cookie dough thing, I would ruin a perfectly healthy day. I got busy on the computer instead and caught up the family blog about our trip to St. John. Victory.

Next goal: Stop comparing myself to others and wishing for the Magic Makeover Fairy to swoop down and instantly change all the things I don't like about my body. Even the person I think looks most perfect has something she would like to change about her body. Don't we all?

Good news: I'm not giving up. I sure am frustrated, but hopefully I can channel that frustration into determination and make progress towards my goal.

Frustrated, but determined. Wow, not talking about it sure does help sometimes (hee,hee)!

St. John

View of Coral Bay from the Villa tower.

We finally made it to St. John after a pretty grueling trip (see my other blog for more detail), and it is just as beautiful as everyone said it would be. I didn't have time to post about my weigh-in on Friday before we left, so I'm catching up now.

Nancy (my leader) wasn't at the meeting, so that's always a disappointment. I had a loss of .4, which isn't great, but considering the week I had, it was a miracle! I didn't eat too terribly bad, but I just really struggled. I ate a lot--so a loss was pretty surprising.

I didn't give much thought or planning as to eating on this vacation, I just know that vacations in general are difficult for anyone trying to eat well! So far, though, it's been easy! It's so hot and humid here, you just want to guzzle water all day long. I think I average about two gallons a day. You can't drink the tap water--it's just redirected rain water, and water is a huge commodity on the island. There are signs all over the place saying "Water is the Gold of the Caribbean, please conserve!" It's $2.00 for a bottle of water, but you can buy it in gallons by the case for much cheaper than that. There isn't much that is cheap on the island though--that's another reason why this has been easier than most vacations--there isn't a huge abundance of food laying around. Food is very expensive--I mean EX-PEN-SIVE! The other day we bought one pound of turkey deli meat, one pound of swiss cheese, strawberry jam, peanut butter, bread, diapers (28 pack), baby carrots, and yogurt and the bill was $78!!! A gallon of milk runs you about $7 and cereal is around 8 bucks a box. It's ridiculous. I know it's a bit relative cause people here make more money, but good grief! It's enough to give a tourist cardiac arrest at the market!

Dinner with the private chef.

So, in an effort to not spend our entire life savings on this one trip, we have been eating very sensibly. A small bowl of cereal or yogurt and a banana for breakfast, a sandwich and carrots for lunch, and dinner of chicken or pork tenderloin, potatoes, broccoli, and pineapple.

Snorkeling in Newfound Bay.

Another plus has been the activity level of this trip. The first day we spent at the beach playing in the water, and yesterday we went sailing and snorkeling, and then swam in the pool after dinner. It's been awesome so far, and we've got 5 days left!

One of the highlights of the trip so far was a surprise Dru had for us last night. He hired his friend and private chef, Ted, to come to the villa and cook a gourmet meal for us. It was amazing! He brought super fresh and local food and it was all delicious. I didn't stuff myself, but I had some of everything, including the dessert, and I didn't give it a second thought. That's probably the only time in my entire life that I'll have a professional chef cook for me. For appetizers we had focaccia bread with sweet basil, tomatoes and mozzarella, roasted-corn fritters with avocado creme fraiche and romesco sauce and marinated shrimp grilled on cedar planks. The main course was filet mignon, fresh marinated tuna steaks, roasted tomatoes w/mozzarella and bread crumb topping, portobello mushrooms with wilted spinach and red onions, roasted asparagus, grilled zucchini, field greens with lemon vinaigrette and smashed, roasted potatoes with white truffle oil. For the kids there was gourmet macaroni and cheese and grilled chicken (Ben loved the mac-n-cheese too!). For dessert we had chocolate ganache torte with strawberries and lemon basil dressed with aged balsamic vinegar. It was fantastic! I especially loved the viaigrette and field greens and the asparagus. The corn fritters were my favorite appetizer.

What a treat! It was so fun to have a real chef come and cook for us--and I didn't spend a single moment thinking about the points value of anything I ate!

Just Can't Get NO....

Satisfaction! I swear, I just cannot get my fill today. I feel like a bottomless pit! This tends to happen to me whenever I put a deadline on a certain weight or make a goal for weight loss that I really have no control over. I am forever learning in this process--my body will not be rushed.

I had big ideas of losing 2.4 lbs this week to make it to 200, and it's making me crazy. There is something psychological that happens to me when I start to tell myself that I have to be a certain weight at a certain time . . . it backfires! All of the sudden, all I want to do is eat, and the peanut butter starts calling to me from behind the cupboard doors--I can eat a full days worth of points in seconds flat.

It's good to have goals--really good, but a goal you can't control? There is no "If I try hard enough, for sure I will lose ___ pounds this week." There have been weeks when I did everything right, did not eat my weekly points allowance, and worked out twice a day, and still I saw only a small loss. There are too many variables in this experiment to be able to guess the weekly outcome. THEREFORE, I vow to stop making number goals. That is, I'm not going to put a deadline on my weight loss. I'm in it for the long haul, some weeks will be small losses, some will be big, but number goals are out.

Phew. I feel better. The pressure was getting to me, and it was manifesting itself in small bouts of binge eating . . . a few chocolate chip cookies, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a handful of goldfish--all things I don't eat on a regular basis. My points were gone today by 4 pm! I'm glad the pressure's off and I can go back to doing the best I can--staying on plan, eating well and not sweating the numbers.

My goal for the rest of this week: Stay on plan, journal every point, stay positive and gear up for St. John eating challenges (It's gonna be hard--I'll need all the willpower I can get!)

Where does the time go?

Well, here it is Monday and I haven't even posted about last week! The weigh-in on Friday was successful, a .6 lb loss. I always have to tell myself that .6 is more than half a pound, cause when you say .6, it sure doesn't sound like a lot! I've said before though, a loss is a loss, no matter how big or small. I would have liked to see a bigger loss, but that's okay, I'll just keep at it this week. My goal is still in sight... under 200 for the trip to St. John. We leave on Friday, but not until the evening, so I'll still be able to go to my meeting. I have to lose 2.4 to make the goal . . . I'm going to try hard, but after cookie dough last night I might have to throw in a couple of extra workouts!

One at a Time

Yay for me... one more pound lost this week! That means my goal of under 200 is really in sight. I'm within 3 pounds of the 100's and I'm hoping to reach it before we leave for St. John (Yes, as in the Virgin Islands... Ben's brother and his girlfriend live there and with some help from Ben's parents, we're all going to visit him--sort of a family reunion island style! We get to stay in this incredible villa (check it out: Starlit Escape) and we are going to have so much fun playing at the beach! They say the snorkeling is amazing, although the ocean kind of freaks me out. Maybe it won't be so scary when I can actually see through the water. I'll definitely try it, no matter what!)

Anyway, it was a good week and I'll take my one pound loss. It wasn't huge, but it wasn't a gain, so I'm happy! I continue to really enjoy the Weight Watchers meetings, it's really fun to see the same faces and to get to know everyone's names. It's motivating to me to see others be successful.

I saw a really great fridge magnet recently and I copied it down. It reads:

The 10 Principles of Healthy Living

1. Breathe Deeply
2. Drink Water
3. Sleep Peacefully
4. Eat Nutritiously
5. Enjoy Activity
6. Give and Receive Love
7. Be Forgiving
8. Practice Gratitude
9. Develop Acceptance
10. Develop a Relationship with God

Pretty succinct . . . take care of yourself, take care of others, and remember the One who gave you everything. That about covers it!

Last week in the meeting Nancy had asked a question about how weight loss changes you, and I commented that for me weight loss is much more than a superficial thing. Sure, it's nice to fit into smaller clothes, to be more stylish, and just to look better all around, but above all of that, it is wonderful to feel better. I find that as I lose weight, I actually begin to think less about myself and more about others. I'm much more comfortable in social situations--not thinking so much about how I look or how fat I am or what other people are thinking of me. I'm becoming more comfortable with myself, so I spend far less energy thinking about what others think of me and much more energy thinking about what I can do for others. It's a great thing to let go of the fear and self-doubt and to feel like you have the freedom and the ability to help those around you. Weight loss is much more than losing pounds on the scale, it's gaining a new perspective on myself and the power I have to change the world--my world.

(One more pound!! Yay me!)

Drumroll Please . . .

I got on the scale today knowing that something was seriously wrong if I didn't see a loss! I followed the plan completely this week, trying very hard to follow the 8 Good Health Guidelines, and to journal all of my points. Fortunately, the scale showed a loss of 3.4 pounds! Count 'em: THREE POINT FOUR!!! I feel today like I received my just rewards. Yay for me!

Time for another picture

Well, seeing as I haven't had the best success on the scale lately, I'm having to look at other results to help my motivation. Ben took the picture of me in the black dress last weekend, but I think it's much more dramatic with a before picture to compare it to.

February 2008

August 2008

It's VERY nice to see a difference! The scale is not always the best measurement--and I'm not going to let it get me down.

Well, Crap.

Damn, damn, damn. I don't usually swear, in fact, I can't really do it. Once in the heat of an argument with Ben I told him he was being an a**hole and right then the argument was over because he busted up laughing! So, the swearing is proof of my frustration right now. I was so happy about my 2.4 lb loss last week . . . I had finally broken through the slump--and now I have to report a stupid 2.6 lb gain!! How frustrating is that?

I got an email yesterday from an old friend asking me how I stay so positive . . . unfortunately, I'm not feeling so positive today! I'm not giving up, that's for sure, but I certainly don't feel extra motivated. I'm racking my brain thinking about this week and what I did wrong. The biggest concern I can think of is that I was not very stringent about journaling this week. There were a couple of days when it was past lunchtime before I actually recorded what I had eaten that day. That's probably not very smart. It's just too easy to put things in your mouth and then forget you ate them!

I exercised pretty well, although my knee is bugging me (surgery coming up on October 9th), so I didn't push myself like I usually do. I like to exercise, and I try to get in a workout at least five out of seven days, but I find that my food choices make a much bigger difference than my workouts. I like to feel like I'm building muscle tone and I'm trying really hard to rid myself of the "muffin top", so the exercise definitely makes a difference in body composition. I firmly believe that a person can be extremely thin and yet completely out of shape. That's not my goal, so I work hard to get enough exercise. For me though, the exercise is about 15% of the equation and food choices are 85%. I see much better results when I make better food choices.

So, my goals for this week are to journal faithfully--to count every single thing I put in my mouth. At meetings I've heard that "BLT's" (bites, licks and tastes) can make a big difference. Also I'm going to work harder on meeting the 8 Good Health Guidelines which are:

1. Eat at least 5 servings of fruits and vegetables daily
2. Choose whole-grain foods whenever possible
3. Include 2 servings of milk products each day
4. Drink at least 6 glasses of water each day
5. Have some healthy oil each day (2 tsp of olive, canola, safflower or flaxseed oil).
6. Make sure you get enough protein (2 servings each day)
7. Limit added sugar and alcohol
8. Take a multi-vitamin each day

Oh! I thought of one more thing . . . I've been buying the 100-calorie pack snacks lately, for me and for the kids, and this week I definitely ate too many of them. They're supposed to be an every-once-in-a-while snack and I've been eating a few a day. That's definitely abuse of the 100-calorie pack system! I really need to cut down on the snacky stuff and use my points for fruits, veggies, protein, and whole grains. Now, that's a good idea!

I'm over the gain . . .WHATEVER! I'll just do my best this week and see if I can beat it next Friday.

2.4!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I finally had a nice loss! 2.4 lbs, which brings me to a total of 30 lbs lost since beginning Weight Watchers. I got clapped for today!!

I didn't feel any particular way going into the weigh-in this morning, but I was hopeful. I was very careful this week and I didn't use all of my weekly allowance points, and it paid off nicely. It was great to get another five-pound sticker (6 of them now!) and to feel like I'm finally over the hump. I've been struggling with the same two pounds up and down for four weeks now and today I finally banished them forever! Be gone, two pounds!!

The leader (there was a sub again... I can't wait for Nancy to come back from her vacation next week!) asked me what I've changed or what I'm doing to be successful and my answer was that I just keep doing it. I just keep on keeping on. That's the key. Every other time I've started a "diet", I always have an end date in mind. The "after I lose fifty pounds, I can go off this crazy diet" kind of mindset. I think I have finally come to the place where I understand that this struggle of mine is going to be with me forever, and I'm going to have to fight it forever. That's why this lifestyle has to be forever. Whether I gain or lose one week, I just stay on plan and keep on going . . . overall, there is definitely a downward trend! Check out my progress graph:

Gotta love that "downward trend"!
At the meeting we also talked about thinking about the food we're eating before we put it in our mouth. It's important to keep track and stay accountable for what you're eating, but it's also important to try and eat things that are healthy for you. You can definitely work in plenty of desserts and sweets with the points, but that's not necessarily the healthiest way to eat. So, this week I'm going to ask myself before I eat something, "Is this good for my body?"

Good Article

There's a great article on the Weight Watchers home page today on slow weight loss. Check it out . . . Why Slow Weight Loss Wins

Here's a little sneak peek: "We live in a quick-fix society," says Debra Mandel, PhD, a Los Angeles psychologist who specializes in eating disorders. "When we want something, we want it right away."

Worse, we're constantly presented with advertisements that convince us that we can lose inches by tomorrow, and be slimmer by next week. It seems like there's no harm in wanting to lose weight by yesterday. After all, it is possible. Isn't it?

The High Road

You know that scripture in Corinthians? The one that says"Charity suffereth long?" Well, this week, Luella "suffereth long"! I had a pretty good week, I was excited for the weigh-in on Friday...I was feeling it, feeling better in my clothes, better in my body, all that. So, when I stepped on the scale and it showed a gain of 1.2 lbs, I was dumbfounded! I, however, did not lose my composure and bawl like the last time I gained unexpectedly. Instead, I channeled the good feelings I had about how my clothes were fitting and how I felt, and I MOVED ON.

Unfortunately, this little setback is calling for MORE PATIENCE.

More, I ask? How can I possibly be any more patient?? I feel like I have had the patience of Job during this weight loss journey! I have been dealing with the same two pounds for five weeks now. FIVE WEEKS!!! These two little pounds are trying to kill me! On the way home from the meeting (I often get my best thinking time in the car!) I figured that there are two roads I can take now:

The Low Road: Quit this stupid journey . . . it's taking too long and it's too darn frustrating. All I want to do is stuff my face with ice cream and baked goods and wallow in self-pity. I bet it wouldn't take me 6 months to gain back the 28 lbs I've lost since beginning Weight Watchers! Should I take that challenge? OR . . .

The High Road: This road is a long one, and it only involves controlled amounts of ice cream and baked goods, but there is a huge pay-off at the end of it, which includes a much nicer figure, a huge amount of self-confidence, and the knowledge that I can do anything that I set my mind to. A much worthier challenge, says I.

So I gained when I thought I had lost, so what? In the big picture, I still have an average weight loss of 1.1 lbs per week--that's 4.4 lbs per month and over six months that's 26 1/2 lbs! When I lose 26 1/2 more lbs I'll only be ten pounds from my goal weight! That's awesome!

The fact of the matter is this: Each week that passes during which I stay on plan, drink enough water, eat enough fruits and vegetables, and exercise my body is a week in which I teach myself how to treat my body well and how to reach the goals I have set for myself. It doesn't really matter how long it takes me . . . as long as I've taken the right road (the HIGH road!) I'll get there eventually!

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
-- Robert Frost

Two Fantastic Recipes!

So, there has been a definite lack of good recipes on this blog lately . . . Sorry! Last night we enjoyed a great dinner with two of my staple recipes. The first is Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo--a favorite weight watchers recipe, and Oven Roasted Broccoli, courtesy of Alton Brown from the Food Network (I love him!). These two recipes make for a fantastic 11-point dinner.

Chicken Fettuccini Alfredo Serves: 4 Points: 9

6 medium garlic clove(s), peeled and smashed with a knife

1 pound uncooked boneless, skinless chicken breast, washed, patted dry

1 tsp table salt

1 tsp black pepper, freshly ground

1 sprays cooking spray

1/2 cup canned chicken broth ( I always use extra)

1/4 cup heavy whipping cream

1/4 cup whole milk plain yogurt, Greek-style (I use ricotta cheese, GY is kind of hard to find)

1/8 tsp table salt, for cooking pasta

8 oz uncooked whole-wheat pasta, fettuccini

1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese

1/4 cup parsley, fresh, flat-leaf, finely chopped, divided

Heat a large, heavy skillet over medium heat. Rub garlic over chicken; reserve garlic. Season chicken with salt and pepper and rub in seasonings with your hands; set aside.

Off heat, coat skillet with cooking spray and then set over medium-low heat. Sauté garlic until fragrant, about 1 minute. Add chicken and cook until golden, flipping once, about 5 minutes per side.

In a small bowl, combine broth, heavy cream and yogurt; pour over chicken and scrape bottom of skillet with a wooden spoon to incorporate seasonings. Simmer chicken gently, turning once, about 30 minutes.

Meanwhile, bring a medium pot of salted water to a boil. Cook pasta according to package directions; drain.

Remove chicken from cream sauce and set aside. Add Parmesan cheese to cream sauce and mix until well combined. Add cooked pasta and 3 tablespoons of parsley; toss well. Serve pasta topped with chicken and rest of parsley. Yields about 3 ounces of chicken and 2/3 cup of pasta/sauce per serving.

*I have only ever doubled this recipe (Ben wants leftovers!), but I only use 1 1/2 lbs of chicken instead of two. I always use a lot more chicken broth than it calls for, usually adding more after I put the sauce on the pasta.


Oven Roasted Broccoli Serves: 6 Points: 2

1 pound broccoli, rinsed and trimmed
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
1/3 cup panko bread crumbs
1/4 cup finely grated Parmesan or sharp Cheddar

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F.

Cut the broccoli florets into bite size pieces. Cut the stalk into 1/8-inch thick, round slices. Place the broccoli into a mixing bowl and toss with the olive oil, garlic, kosher salt and pepper and set aside.

Spread the panko into a 13 by 9-inch metal cake pan and place into the oven for 2 minutes or until lightly toasted. Remove the panko from the oven and add to the bowl with the broccoli mixture. Toss to combine. Return the mixture to the cake pan, place in the oven and roast just until the broccoli is tender, 8 to 10 more minutes. Remove from the oven, toss in the cheese and serve immediately.

*Panko bread crumbs can be found at Asian markets if they're not in your grocery store. Here in Bellevue you can get them at the Asian market on 370 next to No Frills and the Salvation Army (I can't remember the name of it!). They're a must for this recipe.

This broccoli recipe is truly fantastic . . . I could eat the whole recipe myself, no problem. Alton Brown actually hates broccoli generally, but he loves it this way. It's a great recipe to try on someone who doesn't usually like broccoli.